Ian's Memory Lane


A pedido da Inês, estes são os write-ups antigos que eu tenho dela. Achei que ficavam bem aqui para consulta e para sempre disponíveis :) Enjoy!


-----------written in the 10th of August

*Afastando-se uns metros do Samuel, ganhando espaço e coragem para lhe
mostrar Celerity*

“One step further away…

I told you I don’t know myself anymore, but the truth is I don’t even know
if there’s still a “myself”! Is this bestial nature, this inhuman behavior
caused by my mutation… or did I gave birth to this Mr. Hyde on my own?

Everything I did, in the beginning, was for Diane.
Saving my sister was why I felt my body had risen itself from death.
“Monsters are real” had been written on by back. The most dreadful monsters
are those we can awaken within ourselves!

I never meant for anything more than to save Diane…

I feed, I killed, I lied… just to get one step closer…

How can one enter a world were monsters are real? Everything I did, every
life I took, was to make me strong enough to find my sister.

Nothing else mattered, Samuel…

The choir’s voice will eco in my soul forever… and the monster was born when
I last heard their song, when I first put a price on human life. Their
lives’ for Diane’s. It didn’t seem such a high price. In the end, it was I
who I sold for Diane, more than the Latva children…

The monster smiled at the dying sound of my humanity.

Would you have acted any different? … Would anyone have acted any

Why are big brothers born first, if not to protect the little brothers and
sisters who come after?

Should I regret my downfall? Should I wish there had been another way?

I gave body to the monster and he saved Diane. It’s no different than having
dyed for her

And I am dead.
I am dead! … a corpse animated by the powerful blood given to me.
I don’t breath, don’t eat, I don’t sleep.

Do I still fell? Do I still long for anything? I have no regret, no
conscious, no morality…
Are my feelings dead too?

Yet, I could not turn my back on my family or on you. Do I love you? Do I
love them? Or do I just remember the love I used to feel?

Am I still Ian, even wretched into a monster, or am I a monster with Ian’s

I don’t look in the mirror anymore, I’m afraid of what’s staring back! I
shaped myself into a demon and I don’t know what’s left of my former self.

Where’s my passion for human life? I remember I used to dye every time I
failed one of the people entrusted to me. I would punish myself by being the
one to give the news to the family. I took the cries, the whys, the
accusations… they were deserved… I deserved to be punished and hated; I had
failed them…

I would drown myself on smoke, papers and pills afterwards, till I
discovered where I had been wrong. I couldn’t allow myself to fail someone

Looking back now, I guess I was never able to live up to my own

I was doomed to this pit sooner or later. Perhaps I was the one cursing
myself never to feel or save anyone again.

Even now, even though I don’t regret the loosing of a life; I feel the
bitter taste of failure yet again! I let myself be controlled and tamed by
my inner fears and hate! I gave myself, without even fighting, to my
personal demon!

Am I this weak? Can’t I even take the grip of my own self? My conscience
kills me once again, this time for not felling any regrets!

I guess all this confusion and revolt towards me proves there’s still a
small breath of Ian trying to break free. Maybe I haven’t completely
succumbed to this irrational darkness and I can still give a meaning and a
purpose to my existence.

And I DO still feel… I feel the need to take control of myself, to master my
mind again. To find something to make me rise every night. I can’t just
exist, I need to “live”, even in this form.

And I need you.

I need you to help me remember the strengths you always saw in me, I need
you to help me tame the monster and regain my sanity. I need you to listen
to me, to try to understand… I need you to love m back, even deformed like

Can we make this work as we once believed we could? Can you see through the
veil of darkness and madness?

*Vira-se para o Samuel, activa celerity e chega perto dele n1 segundo*

One step closer….


-----------written in the 16th of June

Samuel walked from one side to the other, dodging the pile of papers that
decorated the floor of Ian’s bedroom, without lifting his eyes from the
book. “All right, love, again…”

“The sternum main structure …. Argghh!! I’ll never get this right” Ian’s
sleepy eyes close as he lays his head on the desk. “There’s no way I’m
passing Anatomy tomorrow!”

“Shh… This is the only shaky detail, don’t worry! Come on, just get this one
right and I’ll let you study on me tonight!” Samuel lifts his eyes from the
huge anatomy book and smiles seductively, before sitting on the bed. “It’s
too late for me to go home, anyway!”

“Great! I’ve been missing the sternum structure on purpose!” Lifting his
head from the desk and offering Samuel an even more sensual smile, Ian gets
up, slow and provocatively, and moves to his side.

“Very tempting, yes… but… we were talking about the sternum” laughing,
Samuel tries to discover the subject among the small letters of the huge

Already in another mood, Ian slowly unbuttons his lover’s shirt “Let’s try a
more practical approach, shall we?” Passing this slender fingers over
Samuel’s torso, Ian whispers on his ear “I’m not quite sure I remember the
name of this bone right here.”

“If you’re going to name all my bones before you let me do you…“ Samuel
takes hold of his lips and closes the book. “You shouldn’t tempt me when
we’re studying!! Now I lost the damm page!”

In his other ear, with the same whispering voice “When are you moving in?”

“Having trouble paying Santiago?”

Ian pushes him away and opens the book, with a fake annoyed look “Fine! “The
main…” Before he could finish the line, Samuel’s lips are on his, pushing
him down to the bed.

“Tell you what: I’m moving in tomorrow if you pass the anatomy test”

“Deal.” Ian hands him back the book and the questioning is dragged till sun
rise. After hours of human physiology description, both men lie across the
room resting on top of abandoned books and papers.

In a dragged voice, with his eyes trying to shut themselves, Ian gets up and
tries to get to the bed “I think I don’t know the difference between muscle
and bone, by now!”

Samuel let’s himself fall in the bed next to him “The bones are the hard and
white parts!” He embraces Ian tenderly “I have classes in two hours, but I
think we can allow ourselves to sleep at least one hour. … Ian?” Smiling,
Samuel caresses Ian’s sleeping face, as he pulls him closer, making him rest
on his chest. “I guess I already moved in, huh?”


Diane wiped her nose again, adding another paper handkerchief to the pile on
the bed.

“WHAT?!” she yelled as an answer to the knock on the door. “Just go away.”

The door opened and her brother’s head came through. “Hi! Dad told me you
skipped dinner and that you have been crying over some bloke!”

“I’m not crying!” She sat legs crossed on the bed, on front of the
handkerchief mountain, as the stereo played some depressing gothic 16 year
old appealing song. “Go away”

“Nope” Ian came in, holding some Christmas wrapped package. He picked up the
Stereo remote and turned to the radio, filling the room with a typical end
of December theme. He sat by his sister “So… “

Diane kept quiet; paying special attention to her crossed hands in her lap.

“Justin again, uh?”

Diane said nothing

“Should I go and have a word with him?”

Diane looked to her brother for the first time since he entered he room “No!
What would you tell him, anyway?”

“I don’t know. Big brother stuff!” He smiled at his little sister and wiped
here moisty eyes with a clean handkerchief.

“No need, really! We’re done! We won’t be seeing each other again.” She
pointed to her desk near the window “See, his picture’s gone! I threw it off
the window. Justin’s gone!!”

“I could throw *him* of the window, you know!” Ian smiled wickedly as he
lighted a cigarette, but before he had a chance to take a second breath;
Diane ripped it from his lips.

“What have I told you, Ian Gorsky?!” Completely forgetting her depressed
humor, Diane opened her window and threw the cigarette out. “If you want to
smoke, you better not let me… HEI!!” Diane jumped into her brother, who had
just taken the pack of cigarettes of his pocket.

After a few minutes of brotherly wresting, pillow fight and tickles, Diane
jumped off the bed, with a triumphal expression, holding the pack of
cigarettes. She gave her brother an evil grin, and threw them out of the

“The window metaphor is really working out for you, isn’t it? You know I’ll
buy another one when I go home!”

“Sure, just kill yourself! And Dad keeps saying that I’m the childish,
imprudent one!” Ignoring her brother’s comment of “Well, you are”, Diane
changed her tone. “Err… guess who I met while shopping.”



After a brief silence “Oh”

“He asked a lot about you”

With a thoughtful look on his face, Ian forced a smile “Oh”

“Here” Diane picked up the package of handkerchiefs and passed them to her
brother. “I’m sure there are a few left!”

“Shut up!” Ian slowly looked to the window and to the snow starting to fall
outside. He then turned to his sister, now with a sincere smile. “I know
it’s not Christmas yet, but… I heard your teacher talking to dad about your
violin not being good enough for your skill level, so… here” He handed her
the package with little Santa Clauses. “Merry Christmas”

Diane quickly unwrapped her present and gasped. “Ian… this is too much!!
You’re crazy!! How much did you spent on this?! You have just bought your
car! You must be flat broke!!”

“Let’s say I’ll be dining here ‘till I get January’s paycheck!”

“I don’t know what to say…”

“A thank you and music will do for now!”

Diane kissed her big brother on the cheek, turned off the radio and started
checking the sound of the new violin. She then sat on the windowsill and
started Ian’s favourite violin music; while he laid on her bed, musing about
past days “he asked a lot about me, then…”

-----------written in the 12th of May
No carro, á saída do hospital, em direcção ao Colégio dos Ordo Dracul:

“The opening part should be a presentation of my steps as a vampire,
probably all my discoveries and achievements through out these nights. That,
of course, campaigned with a now scientific and rational explanation all the
metamorphoses and emotional endurance.

Next, I better present the evolutionary state, from Adam till Christina,
showing their blood photos and presenting the mutating cells in each of us.
– Still have to discover what they are exactly and how they affect our
metabolism! – That will help me support the theory of vampirism as the next
evolutionary state of humanity.

Death, always feared through out the ages, now appears as a gateway to the
next fase. – Who would have thought I would ever come to this conclusion?
Maybe all my despair on loosing patient after patient allowed me to be able
to see this reality more clearly. I wonder if I should mention that to the
Draculs? – Anyway, maybe this is still not complete and perfected fase, for
its way of reproduction is a bit fallible; on the other hand, it allows the
choice of people prepared to evolve, since the contamination can’t be
incidental. That should create an elite, making that only the most worthy
humans can reach this state. – At least, theoretically! I can’t see why
someone would choose a clearly deranged person, like Adam, to evolve and
live forever!

Hum… this leads me to another interesting point! My change was probably more
psychological, than physical. So not only does one evolve genetically, but
can also enhance our perception of the world! – Either that or I’ve gone
mad! Until I decide on that point, I probably shouldn’t mention this! It’s
hard being the judge of one’s self; I should accompany Christina’s evolution
closely to have a more objective view on the subject! And maybe talk to
Brian a couple of more times to understand if Adam was already a psycho as a

Who am I to talk, I dropped Arthur’s body on the litter! Well, there wasn’t
much I could have done with it at that state… but still, getting rid of a
body like that doesn’t sound too sane! Even though it was a practical

Another urgent matter is Samuel; I’m acting towards him as I was towards my
vampirism! I neither accepted nor rejected it. I really have to decide if I
want him chained to my blood! I’m making shy attempts, like I’m allowing
myself to keep deciding along the way.

Last night, I was beginning to have second thoughts about this bond thing.
How can I say I love him if I’m subjecting him to this?

But now I must admit my returned aura is going to be a problem!

Even though he’s trying to overcome it…

Am I being fair? He’s not someone disposable to experiment this thing! Can I
really do this to Samuel? ... To my Samuel…

Well, he won’t be my Samuel anymore if he can’t take all my changes! So
binding him to me would make him understand all of this more easily… at
least accept it more easily!

The blood bound is to protect our relation! I love him, as he loves me… but
John Lennon clearly never lived with a vampire!

I could try and see if he can take it, though… and if he starts to fail me,
I’ll help him with my blood. Or I’ll turn him into a vampire too… and that
way the “all you need is love” thing might work., after his first shock/
hate reaction, of course.

-----------written in the 12th of March
*Ian despe-se lentamente, deixando a roupa manchada de sangue deslizar ao
longo do corpo. Com a mesma passividade entra na banheira, enquanto estuda,
no espelho a sua frente, todos os seus movimentos e expressões*

“I can’t find the monster in the mirror anymore. Is he gone? Or has the
demon finally taken over and now I can find no difference between him and
myself? Perhaps it was my guilt that scared me so much every time I saw my
reflection. Does this mean I no longer regret my actions?

Quentin’s question comes back to my mind. Do I want to be human again? No,
but I would like to be as powerful as he seems! Am I willing to regret my
actions and seek forgiveness? Yes, for my family I wish I could repent! But
I don’t. How can I? Yes, in the past weeks I’ve done things that I never
imagined myself capable of; but does this mean I’m wrong and demented now?
Or that I was eluded with my simple vision of righteousness?

Human life’s weak! This was probably that hardest lesson I’ve learned; but I
realised it by trying to save lives, not by taking them. I’ve dedicated my
life to an Utopia. Do humans really deserve being saved? Do any of my lost
patients ever deserve my desperation, my long hours of guilt and self hatred
for falling them?! I couldn’t fight nature; and it was nature that made them
weak! For all the lives I saved and for all those whose death killed me, I
can’t consider myself a murderer anymore. For if I was granted the power to
save; now I have the right to kill. “

*Liga o chuveiro e aprecia cada gotinha de agua quente que cai no corpo*

No, I do not wish to go back to being a human. I couldn’t keep working in
the hospital, pretending I haven’t grown from the naïve doctor that Adam
I’ve tried to fool myself. I tried to be the same Ian Gorsky my family
raised, the same Ian Samuel loved. But I’m not!
I want so much more! Now that I’ve seen how ignorant of reality I am, I
can’t keep myself from wanting what can be mine. I was a prisoner of my own
morality, but I’m learning to break the chains.

Ever since my embrace, I was afraid to choose a side and follow what I truly
wanted. I was a vampire trying to be human; as a result I was none! Now I
finally embrace my nature and accept there’s no turning back, no matter how
tempting Quentin’s offer may sound. It’s not Quentin’s guidance I need, but
of those who know the way I’m starting to follow.
Even though I find it hard to trust any of the “vampires” I know, I finally
admit I can’t keep on my own. There’s much to be learned, not only of our
abilities, but especially of the freedom of being what I am now.

The Ordo Dracul seemed the most suitable covenant. I am a doctor, a
scientist and I’m sure my skills would help me understand what they have to
teach. But there’s no serious break with the past if I join them. And I
don’t trust Miss Bloom’s sympathetic approach.
The Invictus are completely excluded, even though I must admit I’m becoming
more fascinated with power as the weeks progress. But not the power as they
see it. No.

Father Withman was really the only one who helped without asking in
exchange! I’ll forever be in his debt for what he did for Diane and for
being the only one that cared about what happened to their abandoned
creations. I considered asking him to accept me in they’re covenant. I know
I would be able to be both the doctor and the vampire with they’re guidance!
But once again I would be trying to be both and not fully accepting one
aspect or the other.

I never thought I would rationally want Adam’s teachings. I hate him for all
he’s done; I hate him for his cruelty and coldness. I hate him for making me
completely fascinated by his inhumanity. And I hate him even more for making
me obsessed into finding him and wanting his approval.
I never thought I’d want to join the Circle of the Crone, but I have no more
doubts. I don’t seek the covenant’s instruction, I seek his. For he was the
one that made me realise this emerging darkness in me, this urge for
freedom. Maybe he’ll be more eager to be my murderer than my mentor. He
already killed me once, I’ll risk it again. I completely lost my mind if I
want such a monster as a guide! But I can’t deny that most of my steps were
guided to find him, first out of hate… but now…..

I’m really sorry, father… My love for my family has stopped me from
succumbing to my own darkness; and now that same love questions me whether I
should keep showing you my mask of humanity or if I should be true and step
aside. I love you too much to lie. I wish I could just simply walk away and
protect all of you from the shadows in leading into. Maybe if you could just
see what I’ve seen, you’ll understand. When I’m strong enough I’ll open your
eyes to reality, I promise. And we’ll be a family again….

Then maybe Samuel can see it too. My Samuel… It’s hard to understand the
feelings I have for you. I know I love you, and this feeling is even
stronger than it was, for now you are truly mine. I want you with me; I’ve
missed you so much that I’ll never allow you to leave my side again. I was a
fool years ago when I allow us to break apart, but I’ll never make the same
mistake again. And now, if I do this right, our love can last forever! I
know you don’t understand and that you are scared, but it’s ok, you’re not
supposed to understand yet. But everything’s going to be ok, I’ll take care
of you. I’ll let you hold and comfort me, like you used to, for you are mine
once again. You see it the other way around; in your innocence you think
you’re the one protecting me. But I’m in your arms because you belong around

-----------written in the 22nd of February
*pára o carro à frente da casa do Samuel e encosta-se para trás no banco,
hipnotizado pelo barulho das gotinhas de chuva no vidro*

Can I be both the doctor and the madman?

I spent the night being who I always believed me to be, a doctor worthy of
his patient’s trust. I stopped bleedings, extracted bullets, controlled
heart problems… and tried to drink the blood of one of Sullivan’s man. One
of the men responsible for the chaos the city is in; most likely a
murderer... but still, a patient at my care. It’s true he was threatening
me, but probably because he was afraid. My inner demon was amused by his
threats and his fear and I wanted him to know that his unawareness of the
prey/ predator play would be his downfall.

How can I change from man to monster like this? I was hopping that returning
to the hospital would bring my true self back, but I no longer know who I
am! Is this illness responsible for making me into a killer? Or have I
always had this in me and I’m using this “condition” as an excuse to release
this murdering hunger?

Samuel’s sleeping so peacefully now. I wish I could close my eyes like that!
I’m so tired of being afraid of my self, of not knowing where to turn… but
closing my eyes brings me no rest. I die at sun rise and wake, tired, at
night. I wish I could rest my head for a while and open my eyes able to
think clearly.

I started this journey into the abyss trying to save my sister. I put aside
my convictions, my pride, my honour… even my humanity. But she came back
without her soul and I could do nothing but mourn her. I would have done
anything for Diane, and in the end, it was Whitman who saved her. Father
Benedict Whitman… Can he still be a priest after becoming… “This”?!

Can I still be a doctor?

Would he help me? Would he help me to bring back my soul, like he did with
Diane? I stopped believing in god when my mother died and all our prayers
were in vain. I guess I was 15 when I took off the crucifix of my bedroom.
Could I now beg the help of a priest?
I can’t keep pretending nothing happened and that I’m not changing. But I
don’t want to loose myself, as I know I will. Part of me is already letting
go… I’m becoming the monster that terrified me in the mirror. I lie, I kill…
and I left my father assume my guilt! I don’t want god’s help! But maybe
Father Whitman could point me a direction; he doesn’t seem consumed by the
madness I see reflected in all our… Kind (?)

Or maybe I’m looking for help too far away, when all I need to do is turn my
head and look at you, Samuel. Could you accept me like this? You don’t even
know what I’ve become! I was so mad at you when you confessed to be afraid
of me; but the truth was that I was angry with myself for scaring you… and
keeping you away from me. Can we turn back time and pretend we were never
apart? Or can we pretend to just start knowing each other and slowly become
closer? There is so much I would like to say, but words fail me and the time
is never the right one. Could you help me? Would you be my safe resting
place? Would you laugh if I say I still love you?.....

-----------written in the 24th of November
*Samuel pega no copo d vinho* which part of me is in control now? Do I want
him chained to my will, as Diane was to the Bennesters? It would only take a
second... I could slap the glass of his hand... I could let it chatter on
the floor as I used to break the mirrors in the bathroom. They are the
same... in that glass, my demon self smiles back at me.

I don’t want Samuel addicted to my blood, not to the point when he would
stop being himself. I just ... don’t want him to leave again. I don’t want
him to fear me... it is enough that I fear myself most of the times. And I
know that with his help, I could gain control of myself again, for I feel
human and connected to him still when we’re together. So why don’t I stop
him from drinking? It would only take a second...

Is my human side loosing the battle this fast? Is my curiosity stronger than
the link between Samuel and me? For I am not stopping him; and my mind’s
already full of ideas of how to give him the next drops! The demon that
smiled in the mirror is dancing in his wine... and I can’t help but smile

I take my own glass and with my inner demon raise a toast to my own

Samuel... help me....

Who am I now? At the sight of a young girl dying because of her addiction to
a new drug, I only thought of how peculiar her response to “people in my
condition” was. Only now do I realize that her cure or possibility of
recover never even crossed my mind. I made an oath, just a few years ago...
And I remember I meant every word. Were a few weeks enough to erase all the
conviction I thought I had? I must return to my place at the hospital, and
have her transferred there... and if there really is a God, He’ll remember
me to help her, no just study her case.

I tried to convince myself that I had only lost my sense of self, and my
humanity, near Adam, when I try to prove him... I’m not quite sure what...
I thought him a monster, a cold murderer... but am I that different now? Can
I still accuse him of any harm to my family when I’m the one bringing them
to ruin? Can I accuse him of taking pleasure in other people’s pain... when
I only see case studies where I used to see patients? But still I see him
as demented, as someone who our condition drove past insanity... But I keep
trying to find him! And can’t help but feel fascinated and aroused by his
inhumanity and cold sincerity. That’s why I need to find him; this time not
only to be overwhelmed by his abyssal presence, but also to tell him of the
Trinity’s plan. Of all the Covenants, I assume he is the one who less fears
the Trinity... Even though I don’t expect him to join forces with anyone. I
hope he’ll at least be ready if anyone takes the first step.