Part III
"He stared at the few remaining cards, uneasy. Should he pick another one and turn it?"
Ian almost laughed nervously, with dried tears marking their way in red down his face. After all that happened, he was afraid to turn a card. "Pathetic! If Adam could see me now..." Perhaps Adam would be afraid to turn it too. The cards hadn't show Ian nothing new, only made him think about his fears and feelings. They would probably hurt Adam more than they were hurting him. It was entrancing how he could appear so strong and frail at the same time. Kind of like Ian was feeling in these last nights...
He was fascinated by his own power, but afraid of loosing himself pursuing it. Ian had been grateful to be accepted by the Dracul, but quickly found he wanted more than they were willing to teach at the time.
Ian would have sighed if he breathed. Sometimes it was so hard to know where to stand and who to trust. He never expected to be betrayed by Samuel, especially as a friend; as he never expects his family to accept him, but he still hoped they would find a way. Maybe what was really missing was Ian accepting himself, with all the qualities and drawbacks of his new self.
He looked again at the remaining cards. "Who am I truly?", the vampire asked them, only half joking.
Ian, slowly, turned a card almost like he was giving it time to think carefully how to answer. He stared at the image on the floor and laughed cynically! "It figures!"
There was no doubt about this one. A dark, wretched figure was in the center. Its form was distorted; it had boned wings and claws. It looked infernal, yet Ian couldn't help to consider it the most captivating card he'd seen on the deck.
He couldn't exactly explain why something as dark and disturbing could be so appealing.
"So, I'm a monster?" Ian picked up the card and examined it carefully. "No chance of redemption then?, he asked ironically out loud.
This was really the key question. Could he ever turn back? Did he even want to have that chance? It was not whether he was more human or vampire; not anymore, anyway. Ian wasn't sure he could trust his determination sometimes. For instance, he should have squashed Marlene head on the wall. It wouldn't do any good, but probably Ian would feel better! But his guts failed and he could either kill her or cry. "So pathetically, I picked the second one!"
He wanted to rise to his idea of what a vampire should be. A perfected human being. But his weak side was getting on the way too many times. Maybe, for a start, Ian could just learn to hide it, like Adam does. It wouldn't be true perfection, but it would be one step closer...
He couldn't say why he felt so overwhelmed by his Sire, or when this attraction began. He remembered he hated Adam for taking Diane, for deserting him after creation, for being so distant and cynical!
He looked at the card again. Ian wasn't that different now, was he? He embraced Cristiana just to understand the process and continue his studies for the Dracul, having deserted her soon after. All Ian wanted was to keep his family safe, so he was always pushing them away; to protect them and protect the love they still hold for him.
"I'm really starting to hate this card's sense of humour!", he added.
Adam was such an enigmatic figure. Even though Ian thought he knew practically all there is about him, he didn't stop seeming mysterious and unreachable. "And terrifying", Ian added. Looking at Adam was looking at fear itself... as their time in the park had proven.
Ian let his head fall on the bed behind him.
So there's where it all started. In fear. Ian was fascinated by the abyss and Adam was everything he wanted to reach and get lost into. "Dark and Powerful." How could Ian not be attracted?
They were the complete opposite, as Adam had said. They had come from different worlds, lived opposite lives and yet, in that stolen moment on park, they were able to mend together e complete each other. But when they embraced, Ian knew he would never let go again.
But there was more to it...
The feeling was too intense to be simply called love. It had been nothing like Ian ever felt. He had loved Samuel, but it was a complete different feeling; softer, shyer. What he had for Samuel was... simple and human.
For Adam, it is as if all Ian's stronger feelings were mixed up. He didn't want to share a life with Adam, he wanted to have him. "Not just hold, but possess." He wasn't fantasizing about an eternity together, Ian wanted to make him submit and give himself completely. At the same time, he wanted Adam to shatter his whole world and claim him. Ian wanted to belong to Adam completely, as Adam should acknowledge no one but him. It was a desperate feeling, like Ian would never be satisfied until they rip their flesh so their blood would unite and never be apart again.
He loved Adam, that he was sure. More strongly and passionately than a human ever could.
But it was not love as he knew. But Passion, Anger and Lust all the same time
"Now this could be a problem"